Modalities for living
It turns out that in writing this blog I have also ended up with a journal of a sorts. I start writing a lot of stuff that either never gets finished because I get distracted or I start to write as I have feelings I need to record and get out of my system. Especially with my father and his terminal cancer.
I often think about art imitating life or in my case life imitating art as it would seem. I am so very excited about the NeuroMaps event this Friday— you should come!!— but the list of things to do is quite large and I, per usual, am behind and tired.
Last week I went to Charlottesville, my hometown. I ended up going on Wednesday as a proposal for new designs was due and it takes me forever and a day to get designs I am satisfied with. My father’s 4 siblings and 3 of my cousins were visiting and a reaction to radiation had a trigger effect landing him in the ICU.
It was so wonderful to see everyone and so scary to see how quickly things can go bad. The end result was I spent a lot of time caring for those I love best and getting the work I had to do finished.
I talk about the TBI side effect of energy levels a lot. For me, the visit wiped me out. Today, Memorial Day, I had one thing I had to do - un-tape 4 pieces, spray glaze them with clear, and get them in a kiln for tomorrow’s photo shoot. I almost didn’t get it done and it was like pulling cats’ teeth to make it happen. I fell asleep without medication, woke up, took it and slept til 10. At around 1:30 I went back to sleep until 4 and finally at 5 something started and finished my work.
That’s the thing about a head injury- emotional weight, stress, not taking my normal breaks throughout the day all add up and make me useless until I do the self care to get back in balance. It’s wild to think that this year it will be my 21 year anniversary of the injury. Living with it has gotten easier with time as I have gotten to know it well and how I function best with it. It is always a surprise to see how little or strongly it hits me as I didn’t expect it to take me out today.
Getting back to the NeuroMaps community event and life and art co-merging… I have been planning this for months and doing lots of little steps along the way. It will come together and be great, if not prepped until what seems like the 11th hour. That’s what I’ve learned about myself. Even having to take the breaks I do I have a strong work ethic and can pull on adrenaline to get me through high intensity situations. I think come Thursday that is what I will be doing to try and have all the ducks in a row.
I also know that Sunday or Monday morning I will drive back to Charlottesville for a week to be with my parents as my dad comes home from the hospital. Since we lived together all last year we will be resuming the same habits with some alterations due to my dad’s cancer. I am so grateful for last year, even though it was incredibly difficult for me personally and professionally.
Perhaps that is what all of this- life, art, TBI awareness and advocacy is about— modalities for living through the traumas life hands us with kindness and love for all.