Surviving

I miss my right hand. Well, wrist to be honest. The treatment I have been getting has helped, but… not enough for it to be close to usable like it has been in the past.

I can carry heavy things if there’s no other option, but there’s a payment. So it’s interesting as I have moved twice in the past 6 months with said wrist, moved into a second studio, and am beginning a production run for our custom *GUGGENHEIM* order. For the first time I hired movers and while that was such a luxury, it is money I typically saved by doing it myself. 

I have been going through the stages of grief with it, but fact of the matter is all the things I love, have studied, and am passionate about involve using my hands. It’s a kicker when an injury makes your skills unusable. 

Right now my studio manager is killing it. It’s so fun to see this all happening in an ordered and methodical manner. I wish I could be in with the fun. I know I am getting weaker- I’m still quite strong, but it frankly sucks that I can’t be pouring the molds too. 

Sometimes, I get swept into dark places with why me’s???? Most of this summer I was made static with the weight of all that was happening with my business, my dad, things out of my control. What I typically have control over is my creative autonomy and I have lost that. 

It *may* come back. Never say never. Right now and for the past 6 months I have been beginning to think of this injury quite possibly a long term and life long albatross. I can find the silver linings, find other ways to express my creative voice, have a tool belt of healthy coping mechanisms, a wonderful therapist and doctor who helps me manage with their tools. 

What I hate most of all is that I have become scared to do things because I am not sure if my wrist can handle it. Fear has been my saboteur and this summer it caught me hard in its grips and has been hell to work through. But I’m getting there, day by day, and taking part in what I can with the production of work. I may even try coiling work, my favorite way to build. Inevitably I get stuck with feeling I need someone to move a bag of clay for me. I may need someone to wire cut chunks for me as I don’t know how my wrist will respond. Nor do I know how coiling for a longer stretch of time will work. These can be mental blocks to even giving it a try and letting fear win over my curiosity.

With painting I have discovered that it needs to be flat. That way my arm can control the brush strokes and not my wrist as when it’s on an easel or wall. I can and do adapt. My life has been about adapting so that I can function at my highest potential. 

I like to try and have my posts wrap up in a positive light. Perhaps the note of this is that I know I have talent, determination, and persistence. I can acknowledge my fears and frustrations and that they are valid and ok to feel. My cousin and I have spoken a lot about how it is ok to not be ok. I may never be ok with this wrist injury and that its root is in someone not paying attention while driving. I can also say that I have built an amazing team of fabulous women who are all able to step up in areas I cannot. So as Gloria Gaynor so wonderfully states “I will survive.”